Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
