Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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