I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
