why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
