Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
