I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
