the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
