She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
