So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
