This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
