My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
