he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
