It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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