Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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