I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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