I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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