I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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