i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
