You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
