Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
