How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
