Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
