i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
foreskin is a definite game changer
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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