very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
