I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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