I met the friendliest cop last night
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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