I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
