Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
