Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
