I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
