apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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