I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
