WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I need moral support for this bender
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
