I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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