U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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