would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
