Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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