im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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