Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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