i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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