Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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