life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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