rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
