I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
