I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
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