Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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