I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
