Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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