My Higher Power is John Stamos
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
