I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
