sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
