I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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