I bet he comes in French.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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