i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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