U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
