y did u give ur computer a hand job?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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