I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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