OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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