Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
